| [ edits ]
the following post will be left up until i feel that everyone has read it.
you can call this a xanga break, call it whatever you want.
but i don't want this post to go unnoticed.
i want the world to know
what i've said goodbye to
and the pain i've felt
but most importantly
the friends that helped me through it.
love,
bella
[ end ]
bulimic pikachu: it's so cute..
Sunday Skys: wut is
bulimic pikachu: this song
Sunday Skys: wut song
bulimic pikachu: regret.
bulimic pikachu: i don't know.. it feels really weird
bulimic pikachu: i went to the same school as drew for 6 years
Sunday Skys: ook
bulimic pikachu: it's just weird b/c he used to be this innocent little kid
bulimic pikachu: & now he's playing guitar & songwriting
Sunday Skys: o
Sunday Skys: guess how many times our site was viewed this month
bulimic pikachu: no idea.
bulimic pikachu: 1 billion
Sunday Skys: 108
bulimic pikachu: whoa seriously?
Sunday Skys: yea
bulimic pikachu: amazing man
Sunday Skys: jus this month
bulimic pikachu: you're going to be famous
Sunday Skys: ha i dunno
bulimic pikachu: you will
Sunday Skys: thnx
bulimic pikachu: no problem.
bulimic pikachu: your songs will be played on radio stations and stuff..
Sunday Skys: i dont kno bout tht
bulimic pikachu: i don't know. i just have this feeling you guys will be touring in no time
Sunday Skys: thnx
Sunday Skys: i hope so
bulimic pikachu: no problem; it's the truth
bulimic pikachu: you'll have to remember me when you're famous, k? ;p
Sunday Skys: def.!
bulimic pikachu: aww yay <3
bulimic pikachu: i'm totally putting this song on my iPod
Sunday Skys: cool
bulimic pikachu: hm.. what's up?
Sunday Skys: nothing u
bulimic pikachu: nahh.. just reminiscing
Sunday Skys: y
bulimic pikachu: i don't know. i feel kinda lonely & i'm just thinking about you guys going on tour, headlining opening tours & even your own ones & thousands of screaming fans and what you'll do for the rest of your life if the band pulls through
Sunday Skys is away at 3:21:09 PM.
bulimic pikachu: i'm just hopeful for a positive outcome..
isn't it everyone's dream to be famous? liked and appreciated for things they can do?
i'm so melodramatic & i know it; i pour out every emotion i have into these posts, the only i truly care about. but i'm behind a mask: the school i go to, at home, around my friends, i'm a nonconformist slut, just like falen and jamie.
we're all the same. at some times we're so happy, we shut everything off and focus on what's in front of us.. and then at others we're trying so hard to fit in that we set ourselves into this mold, this creation that everyone else is. you listen to this music, wear these clothes, talk this way just to be somebody that someone appreciates. it's like a superiority complex that all of us are trying to fit into.
but i miss it. i miss when we were all friends and there was no such thing as a boyfriend. hooking up meant putting two wires together and/or setting up a computer; making out was a way of saying "what're you doing?". bases were used for baseball and kickball, and by making love you would be giving your teacher a valentine's day card. everything was sugar coated, and we were so eager to escape it. now i wish we could go back.
i remember in second grade when somebody wrote the "f" word on the bathroom wall. we were flipping out, but everyone was friendly and giggling about it. drew came up to me quietly & said, "here, i'll show you where it is!" with a smile. i don't think i've talked to him since last april.
ms. clayton, as a joke, blamed billy tobin for turning the toilet water green on st. patrick's day. that was the day that i giggled and we were friends for yet another day. and the end of that year, when we won field day with me as the girl's captain, it was the last day billy and i spoke.
but this is not about bathroom colors or the smiles boys used to give me. this is why i'm trying to cry and it's not working.
every little kid, the baby inside of us that crawled around ms. clayton's classroom, is not there anymore. as fourth grade arrived, the great divide of our district murdered the children inside of us. we began to get A's & F's instead of E's & I's. girls had crushes, boys played tackle-football (even though mrs. brand told them specifically not to), and boxball was cooler than pants. i lost jolee, emily, ariel & jess, even though i love them and we're still in touch, and i was forced to make new friends.
it's the truth, i had no friends in third grade. monica and maddie were the only ones to rely on in fourth grade, and in fifth grade i was still trying to regain my childhood. so yet again, i was deserted to be possibly the biggest "loser nerd" in churchville elementary. i did read manga, i still know how to speak japanese, and i know all of the characters in Love Hina. in fifth grade, i met katelyn, and we hated each other. in sixth grade, i had heather and monica as my only friends. jonathan broke my heart, i broke matt into pieces, and falen, jamie & kyra reigned as our queen bees. katelyn and i are close.
and now it is seventh grade. i am happy. or at least i wish i could say so--because i want to be happy. but the reason i bring this all up is because it seems that everyone wants to be something, but they can't accept who they are. wannabes are trying to listen to indie rock and wear clothes from pacsun. scene chicks think they can only breathe if they have hollister & abercrombie on their bodies. white people think they can be black.
i am a hypocrite! i don't want to be, but i am! i'm stereotypical AND a stereotype at the same time. i do things to please people so they will like me. i will act bubbly and listen to a certain band to please a member of the opposite sex, and i'll bring my guns to the girls i don't like--or the ones that don't like me. i think i'm a pretty girl but i say i'm ugly because i don't like a part of my face, or my hair, or my stomach. i lie about my weight to frustrate people. i am a prototype, just like the scene girls.
it is amazing what a song can make you do. it is amazing what an impact people can have on your life.
i miss second grade so bad. i miss who i was friends with. everyone changed. drew and mickey will be rockstars. just like i said: headlines, screaming fans, on the road, doing what they love.
i really hope he remembers me.
Sunday Skys: nothing reading ur amazing writing
bulimic pikachu: aww thanks..
Sunday Skys: u should b a writer
bulimic pikachu: thanks..
bulimic pikachu: did you read that all?
Sunday Skys: yea
bulimic pikachu: mm..
Sunday Skys: huh
bulimic pikachu: i don't know
bulimic pikachu: i don't know anymore.
bulimic pikachu: i'm such a fake.
Sunday Skys: no ur not
bulimic pikachu: i feel like one.
Sunday Skys: dont
bulimic pikachu: why not?
bulimic pikachu: i miss everything. nobody is the same anymore & they're not going to be how they were back when we were little
Sunday Skys: yea its weird how people change
i lied; now i'm crying. |
